Anxiety, Restlesness and Stress....my life in a Nutshell

Charming title isn't it? I mean do I know how to entertain or what? It's a daily battle for me, the stress of my life, work and school, but I manage somehow. Recently I started college; Oh,  how I love that word. You know for the first time in my life I feel smart? Crazy I guess, but true and just saying that word (college) sounds so awesome. For the first time in my life and I am doing something for me and it feels fabulous! However it is also the cause for anxiety and such, you see I work a full-time job and go to school and try and put my kid through college as well. A lot to take on for a single mom my age, by the way that is 41. : ) With all this going on it seems I have built up some  stress and s the doctor said I need to relax and he gave me some meds and told me too chill. He may or may not have also said that my blood pressure was a bit high and my cholesterol is not that great either. What? I said I was 41 and it's partly hereditary so. : p

So anyway here I sit on my couch surrounded by Kleenex and empty cups and scattered papers, drinking a glass of wine and it's only day 2 of Spring break and I find myself wanting to clean! Yep, that's me ...no rest for the wicked. I compulsively stare around at my surroundings and silently cringe. I talk to myself and say "Shut up Michele and drink another glass of damn wine." So I do..and sit and stare at the table that needs cleaning, ask myself when was I going to get to cleaning the kitchen and fridge out? Telling myself I need to get up and do something instead of nothing because I feel guilty and lazy. You know what? That's okay , cause really I am lazy today and there's nothing wrong with that. 

Sometimes we don't let ourselves relax and that's silly. We tell ourselves " Well, my house is a mess, yeah; well...by who's standards? Who cares?! No one does. Say it again to yourself NO ONE DOES! It's true and it's fine, we need to quit talking ourselves out of life and start enjoying it a little. Because before you know it POOF! It's gone.So do your self a favor today, pour yourself a drink, plop that ass in front of the t.v. or read a book and

  C H I L L ....O U T!

It's not winning the race that's important it's the journey along the way that defines us

Recently my fiance and I have taken up bike riding, we have actually been doing this for the past few months and we love it. I love it even though he passes me up and rides ahead because I have short legs and well lets face it "short people have no reason to live" LOL that's a song by the way before you get your panties in a bunch. Anyway where I was going with this is while he zooms ahead of me I just chill and take it all in, the smells ,the scenery and the people I encounter. I absolutely love it all, I feel free and at peace like I never have before.

This weekend we toured the Trinity and rode about 15 miles. It wasn't a lot but it was fun, we stopped along at The Trailhead Farmers Market that cyclists can access from the trail and purchased fresh local honey, fresh squash and other wares. While I was riding I saw people from all walks of life. There were children with their moms running around, handicapped people playing sports, there were old couples, hippies, asian, germans, so much diversity. We need to stop squabbling amongst ourselves and celebrate each others cultures, strengths etc,,,,It's refreshing to get outside of that little square box we put ourselves in inadvertantly.

That brings me to this , we need to get out and experience life, it is not going to find you while you sit behind the T.V staring blankly watching the latest Housewives of whatever  reality T.V. show is on, because the reality is right outside your door. You just have to open it and step out ,breathe the air and move forward. Trust me you will be so glad you did, because life is not about the destination, but how you get there that defines you. Enjoy your life.....

Woman driving rental after a few drinks says it compares to blind dating

You ever go on a date and be like..OMG he's so boring and he smells funny and he's old ,BUT AFTER A FEW DRINKS HE STARTS TO SEEM BETTER? Well that's what it's like sometimes to rent a car. I found myself in a car I was grateful to have after all the trouble I went through to obtain it ...here it comes....BUUUUUTTT it was fucking gross. The car smelled like old people ate fried chicken and smoked in it and sprayed old people smell in it. You know that smell you caught a whiff of at grandpas and grandmas, the fine line between decaying flesh and I drowned myself in parfume? Yeah that smell, that's what it is like or old scrotum I can't decide yet
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 LOL Anyway I am driving home after a long island iced tea...NOT DRUNK MIND YOU and I start looking the car over at the light thinking. "This isn't so bad, it only shakes like Michael J Fox when I get over 60mph, it will help me not speed. The smell isn't  that bad either I suppose if you happened to missionary in a third world country. Those little buzzed pep talks you have with your self after a few drinks to try and talk your self into a relationship, like yeah he's better looking after a few. Yeah I totally felt myself identifying with it and then I knew that ....I needed to drink water! LMAO😁 I really am grateful for the rental car,but I can't wait to get mine back from the shop. I just felt I had to share with someone because we all have been there at one time or another.

I could die at home and my cats would eat me....

You know what's awesome about being alone? You can run around in your house naked! Yes I said it and you can cook, clean and even type a blog naked. It's liberating and I love it although there is a downside to it and that is.....choking. I mean what are you going to do if you choke to death? Who's going to help you? As I was standing in my kitchen and eating a piece of ham like a starving fighter dog I almost choked. It was scary and my last thoughts as I looked around the kitchen was FUCK THESE ANIMALS ARE GONNA EAT MY DEAD BODY. I have 2 cats 2 dogs and 1 kitten. Now that kitten isn't going to get much but I'll tell you that my dog Buster can probably consume a leg at the very least. He's a fat ass, so with that being said I am going to provide a link to the self Heimlich maneuver so that you too are not faced with this dilemma of your cats eating your naked carcass one day. Your Welcome, also I wouldn't recommend eating noodles naked cause of the splash back effect or cooking with oils for that matter either cause that's a terrible burn.Unless you're into that sort of thing? To each is own eh?

SO THIS IS 40?!?!?!

Tonight I sit here outside my home in the dark drinking and smoking and staring out into the cloud covered sky. It's fixing to storm here and the clouds are starting to cover the stars and the lightning is breathtaking. I sit and I stare at the clouds taking shape as they did when I was a child and I can make forms out of them and then I think to myself I am 40 now and my kid goes off to college this fall, I am not a child anymore but far from it. I stare at the house and the light from her window and realize that soon that room will be dark and I have an overwhelming emptiness come over me. I then realize she is what has kept me grounded, sane and at times still on this earth. Without her I have no purpose I'm afraid, I mean what do I live for now? What do I do with my life? I can do anything now I guess and the reality of that scares me, because all this time I have lived my life for her and now I get to live it for me and I'm not entirely certain how to do that.

Thoughts run through my head like ..will she miss me, what will become of me, will I have enough money to retire, where will I live, how often will I see her etc????So many unanswered questions and so many possibilities and now I can feel the panic come on. It settles in my chest like an elephant sitting on me, I'm having a panic attack. Damn it not another one , that's 3 this month, this is silly. So this is 40? I am divorced for a second time in my life, I have had so many struggles, lost my tubes at 36 and can;t have more children, I let my home go to someone who didn't deserve it,I quit a job, lost another one, found the love of my life and now find myself somewhere in the middle of happy ,sad and empty all at the same time. SO..THIS...IS..40 I say again to myself. Wow ,what a fucking roller coaster, I never thought I'd make it to forty but here I am.

I write this for those of you out there going through the same thing right now. I know we are not alone and there are several of us I'm certain. This is our time to start fresh, rebuild our lives and possibly make them into what we always wanted. Now we live for ourselves and every time you look into that empty room where our babies used to be remember that another mother is out there doing the same thing and take a deep breath cause WE GOT THIS LADIES. So I leave you with this song

Friggin Friday

So I 'd like to say today just blows! It started off we me dropping a knife on my foot ..yay. Not too much damage thank he Lord. Then I come home to my A.C. broke and not cooling all while the 12 cases of wine we have are sitting in the bedroom at 80 degrees in a Texas summer. FML Then while my boyfriend is out of town and I'm stuck to deal with the mess of this a.c. business the cat Frank aka asshole decides to puke up the tuna I gave him all over the carpet in the hallway.Although I did not discover this at first as I look closer as he swats at it and that's when I realize it's puke on the floor and he's playing with it like some kind of Slingblade character. Then here's the kicker...going through menopause and then suddenly  my body says..fuck you today and I cramp violently until I want to roll over and die but still nothing happens. So in short I;m going to get drunk, FUCK THIS DAY (drops mike walks away)

Mother's Day or day of peddling our wares?

For any of you who know me, know that I am a florist and in being so I participate actively in Mother's Day as do many around the world.  It is if you will our "bread and butter" and essentially gets us through the year just like Valentine's but only more so as everyone loves their mothers but not their wives. 😆 

 (Ahem) Well then, are you familiar with the start of Mother's Day and where it originated from? It all started with a girl named Anna and her immense love for her mother who was a civil war caregiver. You see Anna Jarvis daughter of Ann Reeves Jarvis a peace activist who died in 1905 held a service for her mother in honor of her the year she died at their church because she wanted to honor her and continue her efforts and then pursued it as a national holiday with the U.S government and supreme courts although it was rejected. It wasn't until 1914 that President Woodrow Wilson made it a national holiday and from there the idea seemed to take off all over the world although it was called by different names and dates everywhere but the concept remained the same. 

That is until Hallmark commercialized it like the Satanic company they are and started to profit from it and soon all companies were on the band wagon including florists...yes me as well, to make this a selling point and alas the concept of the holiday was lost on generations. Anna even protested it on several occasions stating that the holiday was to recognize mothers with meaningful things like hand written letters and such not pre packed and produced meaningless dribble. Unfortunately she lost that battle and now we have companies all over the world shoving their products down our throats and that has become a norm for society. 

We forgot what it means to be a mom and what it means to be a child and to look up to mom and respect her and all that she has done for us. All those days and nights she worked, helped us with school work, cleaned, made lunches, broke her back and scraped and saved to do all she could to help us succeed. These days all we see on social media is kids being disrespectful to their parents and that is just intolerable. You see the little kid saying" Linda, Linda, listen..) and the (cash me outside how bow dat) stupid child who gets her own show when she just needs her ass whipped. All because we entertain this behavior as if it's comical when in reality it's sad. I do not watch anything that promoted stupidity by the way.

Parenting has gone out the window and so did our family values. It saddens me so. I would like you to do me a favor and I'm as guilty as you are of this but instead of buying her a card this year , take 5 minutes to write all the great things she has done for you that come to mind and thank her for it. Trust me as a mom we appreciate it,also take time to do nice things for her and father more than one day a year. God Bless and have a wonderful Mother's Day.