Sunday, December 9, 2018

Life is Pain

Three weeks ago today, my mother died. She was very sick and fought all she could, but it doesn't change the chasm she left in my heart when she left this world and left me here in it. I cry everyday, I think of her everyday and I talk to her everyday, but the world is still gray and lifeless around me. I know I am not the only one in this world who has gone through this, but it feels like I am.
I have so many emotions right now, I don't know what to do with them.

Today I finished with this semester and I couldn't share it with her. I will say that I didn't cry over that, but I did cry today. I cried because after a wonderful morning of spending time with my love and shopping for gifts, I was stunned to see my fereal kitten dead in the road. I lost it, Dean did however go pick him up for me. Someone just hit him and left him there and I hope they rot in hell. I cried because I felt like God was taking everything from me. 

In reality it isn't God, it's just all this pain is still fresh. I know he only gives us we he knows we can handle, but why does he think Im so strong?


Sunday, July 1, 2018

Church Life is the best Life

There is a calm that washes over you when you are in church and a peace that you take with you when you receive Christ into your heart. There is no way to thoroughly explain it, you just have to feel it. Church is a place where you can feel safe, loved and peaceful. You are there among friends and family in unity and love for one another. They are your brothers, sisters in Christ no matter their skin tone or upbringing. We are all the same at church, we are all one love, we all bleed red like our Lord and Savior did. I feel this every time I walk in the door and it is the most refreshing feeling in the world.

I was reminded of this as I went to the bathroom and when I walked in; all the ladies purses and belongings were just sitting on the counter out in the open. There was no need to take them with them in the stalls with them, because there is a tremendous amount of trust there. My thought is the same, if I leave my purse out here it will be safe as we are all family and we do not steal from one another or anyone for that matter. We are one with God and we walk in his holiness and love.Where else can you do that? No where ,that's where. No where can you lay down your belongings in this world and not expect them to disappear, it's unheard of.

Christians today are being persecuted on a daily basis and why I don't understand.It seems almost acceptable to chastise us for our beliefs,yet if you do that same thing to a Muslim it is racist or bigoted.How is this right?  We are not perfect and we do not claim to be, as we are not God nor Jesus Christ, but we struggle everyday to be Godlike and reflect the light of God. We will never achieve this, but we still strive to be as good as we can to be close to God. To be a Christian is to struggle to be good but also to be there for anyone willing to receive Jesus and to encourage people along the way to come to Christ. We are not here to push our religion on you ,but to show you the way, the truth and the light; but it is ultimately up to you to embrace it. It is not for us to judge you as we will be judged ourselves, but we are only human and we stumble along the way. That's okay too because he loves us anyway and that's why he died for our sins, so that we may be free if we accept him.

The only way to the kingdom of heaven is through HIM and no other way. I encourage you to accept Jesus as your Savior today and watch him work miracles in your life, like he has mine. He has changed me in such a way, I will never be the same. He broke my chains, my guilt, my hatred for myself and others, he freed me from anger and sadness and now because of this I am forever in his debt.I started over and one day I walked into a church , not really knowing why.It was a nagging tugging at my heart daily to go and finally one day I did. I won't say that my life changed immediately that day, because it didn't but it did start that day and slowly changed from there on. I consistently went to Sunday services and it got to a point where I longed for Sundays. If I missed a service it was like I missed a lifetime. There I can let my feelings go, the tears of stress and anger fall to the ground where God catches them and releases them into the cosmos. A weight lifts off me and I leave feeling lighter and free.It was weird, especially if you knew me before I found God or he found me.

Twenty five years ago I was in gangs and hanging out with bad people, five years ago I was a wreck and contemplated suicide. I drank to much, I helped ruin a marriage, I systematically was destroying my life searching for something more. I was a sinner and mess and then I found God, he was there all along just waiting for me. I heard him a time or two telling me it would be ok,but I ignored that voice, I fell into despair and depression. My ex was not a man of God, we were not equally yoked and that is in part why we fell apart. He was not meant for me nor I for him. The bible says that you should be equally yoked with your husband or wife, they should be believers as you believe. Now I am with someone who has my beliefs and we are strong together and that means more than all the jewels in the world. (Amos 5:6-8) {Seek the LORD and ye shall live;lest he break out like fire in the house of Joseph and devour it and there be none to quench it in Bethel.}

If you are lost, sad, confused,angry take note, there is hope for you. There is light at the end of that tunnel and it has a name. Jesus. Seek him out and he will embrace you and make you whole again. Nothing can fill that void I know,Ive been there. Only HE can fill it with warmth and love and acceptance and only he can free you. May God Bless and keep you. Amen


Monday, June 18, 2018

National Lampoon ain't got nothing on my vacation

It all started in Corpus Christi. My fiance had to go there on business so I decide to tag along, because I need a vacation however brief. So we set off for the coast, which we live in North Texas and going south to Padre and Corpus is like a  hour drive, which in some states here the drive is like driving across two of them! We took the "scenic" route to avoid major highway congestion which set us off another 30  minutes...so almost 7 hours later we arrive. We get there and realize that the Air BnB lied and gave the appearance we were right on the beach facing a vast ocean only to find out that we were actually i the Gulf or Bay area of Corpus so we had to drive another 30 min or so back to Corpus to a run down little condo where the paint on the ceiling was peeling and I had my first encounter with a gout stricken meth head. Yes, that's right a meth head or at the very least a drunkard judging by his feet which is sad. The man was about a month away from certain death, but at least he's die on the beach possibly. What!? I mean at least it's a nice view.

Anyway my fiance was apologetic and it wasn't his fault and the place wasn't that bad if you remove the crackhead and the occasional roach we roomed with. Let's get to that shall we? So basically we show up and unpack and everything is cute, but being near the beach you can imagine that there was the occasional bug here and there. Although I didn't discover that until the next day when I went to heat up my microwave meal because I was stuck there to an extent, we;ll get to that later.Anyway so I was about to put the t.v. dinner in and saw his little dirty ass running around in a panic and so I did what any sane human would do, you bet your ass I nuked him and I'm here to witness that they really can survive most anything. I mean it took me 3 tries of 30 seconds each to fry his ass. After that I lost my appetite and waited for him to get home from work to go out. I was stuck there because I don't trust Uber and didn't want to walk two miles down creeper shore to a restaurant.

The next day was quite the adventure, we went deep sea fishing! I was really hesitant about it since I have anxiety especially about the ocean. I mean it's beautiful ,but the vastness just scares the hell out of me. All that water and depth and I can't swim, it really is quite scary. Well going out there I had taken Dramamine for the last 24 hours like I was told to ward off sea sickness and I was doing OK minus the sun beating me down and making my head hurt. We didn't really eat breakfast and that was a bad idea, but I did eat my leftover crab cake from the day before..(wrong move) So there we are and the boat is rocking and fighting waves the fiance leaves to get me a beer to settle my tummy and almost gets thrown overboard comes back with my beer. I swallow it down and it seems to help until we dock. We dock onto a oil rig about an hour and a half out in the Gulf and that's when shit gets real. The boat is rocking on choppy waters non stop and the guys are catching fish left and right having a good time. I even caught a few fish and they were catching sharks and that's when out of no where the nausea hits and I look to my left as a sudden wave comes over me, my face turns green and I see them hook a shark my size and throw it on deck. Blood is spilling everywhere and I ultimately lose it and I lose it ALL. I run to the front of the boat (another bad move) cause it's super choppy and I blow chunks into the ocean, there goes the crab cake!
Well after that we started catching shitloads of fish, sharks, barracudas and blue fish. Apparently they like crab cakes.Yuck! The men on the boat felt sorry for me and kept bringing me sharks to pet and there was a sucker fish which when touched stuck to your hand (so cool). Haha but seriously it was greatness and with that being said I will NEVER do that again.The drive back to the hotel I was famished and we grabbed a bite to eat and Whataburger never tasted so good. So all in all it was a memorable vacation if anything. I did enjoy the time I spent with my fiance and so we drove back home to get ready for our next big adventure...Lake Tyler. Tune in next week for that story.

Saturday, June 2, 2018

Deep-sea fishing and other terrible things

 Today I went deep-sea fishing with my fiancé. I thought it would be nice to do something with him that he enjoys. I however did not know that I apparently  I was going to create memories that would last a lifetime more than I knew. I do not have see legs nor will I ever I’m pretty much a land loving girl.I have anxiety to top it off , but wanted to make my fiancé happy so I sucked it up, only to throw it up later.
 It all started out when we got on the boat this afternoon in full sun I being of Irish Polish dissent was already doomed to burn like a piece of bacon lying in a pan. However I sprayed on my SPF 70 and just muddle through it all. I put on my happy face because I love him even though I was terrified to get on this boat and go out into the middle of the ocean, by the way did I mention I’m afraid of water.

  It didn’t start out so bad took us about an hour to get out into the ocean where all the sharks were at. I popped a Xanax to calm my nerves as well as several Dramamine. We  then tied off to a rig where we begin to move side to side and up-and-down and the next thing you know I was up chucking my lunch overboard. I knew I shouldn’t have had those damn crab cakes, well...at least he had a burial at sea.
 Anyway, so we were out there fishing for sharks and I’m dying 😵 all the while everybody else is okay. It was embarrassing to say the least. I’m definitely not doing it again. I would like to quote Meatloaf and say “I would do anything for love ,but I won’t do that..no I won’t do that.

Tuesday, March 13, 2018

Anxiety, Restlesness and Stress....my life in a Nutshell

Charming title isn't it? I mean do I know how to entertain or what? It's a daily battle for me, the stress of my life, work and school, but I manage somehow. Recently I started college; Oh,  how I love that word. You know for the first time in my life I feel smart? Crazy I guess, but true and just saying that word (college) sounds so awesome. For the first time in my life and I am doing something for me and it feels fabulous! However it is also the cause for anxiety and such, you see I work a full-time job and go to school and try and put my kid through college as well. A lot to take on for a single mom my age, by the way that is 41. : ) With all this going on it seems I have built up some  stress and s the doctor said I need to relax and he gave me some meds and told me too chill. He may or may not have also said that my blood pressure was a bit high and my cholesterol is not that great either. What? I said I was 41 and it's partly hereditary so. : p

So anyway here I sit on my couch surrounded by Kleenex and empty cups and scattered papers, drinking a glass of wine and it's only day 2 of Spring break and I find myself wanting to clean! Yep, that's me ...no rest for the wicked. I compulsively stare around at my surroundings and silently cringe. I talk to myself and say "Shut up Michele and drink another glass of damn wine." So I do..and sit and stare at the table that needs cleaning, ask myself when was I going to get to cleaning the kitchen and fridge out? Telling myself I need to get up and do something instead of nothing because I feel guilty and lazy. You know what? That's okay , cause really I am lazy today and there's nothing wrong with that. 

Sometimes we don't let ourselves relax and that's silly. We tell ourselves " Well, my house is a mess, yeah; well...by who's standards? Who cares?! No one does. Say it again to yourself NO ONE DOES! It's true and it's fine, we need to quit talking ourselves out of life and start enjoying it a little. Because before you know it POOF! It's gone.So do your self a favor today, pour yourself a drink, plop that ass in front of the t.v. or read a book and
  C H I L L ....O U T!

Sunday, October 8, 2017

It's not winning the race that's important it's the journey along the way that defines us

Recently my fiance and I have taken up bike riding, we have actually been doing this for the past few months and we love it. I love it even though he passes me up and rides ahead because I have short legs and well lets face it "short people have no reason to live" LOL that's a song by the way before you get your panties in a bunch. Anyway where I was going with this is while he zooms ahead of me I just chill and take it all in, the smells ,the scenery and the people I encounter. I absolutely love it all, I feel free and at peace like I never have before.

This weekend we toured the Trinity and rode about 15 miles. It wasn't a lot but it was fun, we stopped along at The Trailhead Farmers Market that cyclists can access from the trail and purchased fresh local honey, fresh squash and other wares. While I was riding I saw people from all walks of life. There were children with their moms running around, handicapped people playing sports, there were old couples, hippies, asian, germans, so much diversity. We need to stop squabbling amongst ourselves and celebrate each others cultures, strengths etc,,,,It's refreshing to get outside of that little square box we put ourselves in inadvertantly.

That brings me to this , we need to get out and experience life, it is not going to find you while you sit behind the T.V staring blankly watching the latest Housewives of whatever  reality T.V. show is on, because the reality is right outside your door. You just have to open it and step out ,breathe the air and move forward. Trust me you will be so glad you did, because life is not about the destination, but how you get there that defines you. Enjoy your life.....


Thursday, August 24, 2017

Woman driving rental after a few drinks says it compares to blind dating

You ever go on a date and be like..OMG he's so boring and he smells funny and he's old ,BUT AFTER A FEW DRINKS HE STARTS TO SEEM BETTER? Well that's what it's like sometimes to rent a car. I found myself in a car I was grateful to have after all the trouble I went through to obtain it ...here it comes....BUUUUUTTT it was fucking gross. The car smelled like old people ate fried chicken and smoked in it and sprayed old people smell in it. You know that smell you caught a whiff of at grandpas and grandmas, the fine line between decaying flesh and I drowned myself in parfume? Yeah that smell, that's what it is like or old scrotum I can't decide yet
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 LOL Anyway I am driving home after a long island iced tea...NOT DRUNK MIND YOU and I start looking the car over at the light thinking. "This isn't so bad, it only shakes like Michael J Fox when I get over 60mph, it will help me not speed. The smell isn't  that bad either I suppose if you happened to missionary in a third world country. Those little buzzed pep talks you have with your self after a few drinks to try and talk your self into a relationship, like yeah he's better looking after a few. Yeah I totally felt myself identifying with it and then I knew that ....I needed to drink water! LMAO😁 I really am grateful for the rental car,but I can't wait to get mine back from the shop. I just felt I had to share with someone because we all have been there at one time or another.