Three weeks ago today, my mother died. She was very sick and fought all she could, but it doesn't change the chasm she left in my heart when she left this world and left me here in it. I cry everyday, I think of her everyday and I talk to her everyday, but the world is still gray and lifeless around me. I know I am not the only one in this world who has gone through this, but it feels like I am.
I have so many emotions right now, I don't know what to do with them.
Today I finished with this semester and I couldn't share it with her. I will say that I didn't cry over that, but I did cry today. I cried because after a wonderful morning of spending time with my love and shopping for gifts, I was stunned to see my fereal kitten dead in the road. I lost it, Dean did however go pick him up for me. Someone just hit him and left him there and I hope they rot in hell. I cried because I felt like God was taking everything from me.
In reality it isn't God, it's just all this pain is still fresh. I know he only gives us we he knows we can handle, but why does he think Im so strong?
There is a calm that washes over you when you are in church and a peace that you take with you when you receive Christ into your heart. There is no way to thoroughly explain it, you just have to feel it. Church is a place where you can feel safe, loved and peaceful. You are there among friends and family in unity and love for one another. They are your brothers, sisters in Christ no matter their skin tone or upbringing. We are all the same at church, we are all one love, we all bleed red like our Lord and Savior did. I feel this every time I walk in the door and it is the most refreshing feeling in the world.
I was reminded of this as I went to the bathroom and when I walked in; all the ladies purses and belongings were just sitting on the counter out in the open. There was no need to take them with them in the stalls with them, because there is a tremendous amount of trust there. My thought is the same, if I leave my purse out here it will be safe as we are all family and we do not steal from one another or anyone for that matter. We are one with God and we walk in his holiness and love.Where else can you do that? No where ,that's where. No where can you lay down your belongings in this world and not expect them to disappear, it's unheard of.
Christians today are being persecuted on a daily basis and why I don't understand.It seems almost acceptable to chastise us for our beliefs,yet if you do that same thing to a Muslim it is racist or bigoted.How is this right? We are not perfect and we do not claim to be, as we are not God nor Jesus Christ, but we struggle everyday to be Godlike and reflect the light of God. We will never achieve this, but we still strive to be as good as we can to be close to God. To be a Christian is to struggle to be good but also to be there for anyone willing to receive Jesus and to encourage people along the way to come to Christ. We are not here to push our religion on you ,but to show you the way, the truth and the light; but it is ultimately up to you to embrace it. It is not for us to judge you as we will be judged ourselves, but we are only human and we stumble along the way. That's okay too because he loves us anyway and that's why he died for our sins, so that we may be free if we accept him.
The only way to the kingdom of heaven is through HIM and no other way. I encourage you to accept Jesus as your Savior today and watch him work miracles in your life, like he has mine. He has changed me in such a way, I will never be the same. He broke my chains, my guilt, my hatred for myself and others, he freed me from anger and sadness and now because of this I am forever in his debt.I started over and one day I walked into a church , not really knowing
why.It was a nagging tugging at my heart daily to go and finally one day I did. I won't say that my life changed immediately that day, because it didn't but it
did start that day and slowly changed from there on. I consistently
went to Sunday services and it got to a point where I longed for
Sundays. If I missed a service it was like I missed a lifetime. There I can let my feelings go, the tears of stress and anger fall to the ground where God catches them and releases them into the cosmos. A weight lifts off me and I leave feeling lighter and free.It was weird, especially if you knew me before I found God or he found me.
Twenty five years ago I was in gangs and hanging out with bad people, five years ago I was a wreck and contemplated suicide. I drank to much, I helped ruin a marriage, I systematically was destroying my life searching for something more. I was a sinner and mess and then I found God, he was there all along
just waiting for me. I heard him a time or two telling me it would be
ok,but I ignored that voice, I fell into despair and depression. My ex was not a man of God, we were not equally
yoked and that is in part why we fell apart. He was not meant for me
nor I for him. The bible says that you should be equally yoked with your
husband or wife, they should be believers as you believe. Now I am with
someone who has my beliefs and we are strong together and that means
more than all the jewels in the world. (Amos 5:6-8) {Seek the LORD and ye shall live;lest he break out like fire in the house of Joseph and devour it and there be none to quench it in Bethel.}
If you are lost, sad, confused,angry take note, there is hope for you. There is light at the end of that tunnel and it has a name. Jesus. Seek him out and he will embrace you and make you whole again. Nothing can fill that void I know,Ive been there. Only HE can fill it with warmth and love and acceptance and only he can free you. May God Bless and keep you. Amen
It all started in Corpus Christi. My fiance had to go there on business so I decide to tag along, because I need a vacation however brief. So we set off for the coast, which we live in North Texas and going south to Padre and Corpus is like a hour drive, which in some states here the drive is like driving across two of them! We took the "scenic" route to avoid major highway congestion which set us off another 30 minutes...so almost 7 hours later we arrive. We get there and realize that the Air BnB lied and gave the appearance we were right on the beach facing a vast ocean only to find out that we were actually i the Gulf or Bay area of Corpus so we had to drive another 30 min or so back to Corpus to a run down little condo where the paint on the ceiling was peeling and I had my first encounter with a gout stricken meth head. Yes, that's right a meth head or at the very least a drunkard judging by his feet which is sad. The man was about a month away from certain death, but at least he's die on the beach possibly. What!? I mean at least it's a nice view.
Anyway my fiance was apologetic and it wasn't his fault and the place wasn't that bad if you remove the crackhead and the occasional roach we roomed with. Let's get to that shall we? So basically we show up and unpack and everything is cute, but being near the beach you can imagine that there was the occasional bug here and there. Although I didn't discover that until the next day when I went to heat up my microwave meal because I was stuck there to an extent, we;ll get to that later.Anyway so I was about to put the t.v. dinner in and saw his little dirty ass running around in a panic and so I did what any sane human would do, you bet your ass I nuked him and I'm here to witness that they really can survive most anything. I mean it took me 3 tries of 30 seconds each to fry his ass. After that I lost my appetite and waited for him to get home from work to go out. I was stuck there because I don't trust Uber and didn't want to walk two miles down creeper shore to a restaurant.
The next day was quite the adventure, we went deep sea fishing! I was really hesitant about it since I have anxiety especially about the ocean. I mean it's beautiful ,but the vastness just scares the hell out of me. All that water and depth and I can't swim, it really is quite scary. Well going out there I had taken Dramamine for the last 24 hours like I was told to ward off sea sickness and I was doing OK minus the sun beating me down and making my head hurt. We didn't really eat breakfast and that was a bad idea, but I did eat my leftover crab cake from the day before..(wrong move) So there we are and the boat is rocking and fighting waves the fiance leaves to get me a beer to settle my tummy and almost gets thrown overboard comes back with my beer. I swallow it down and it seems to help until we dock. We dock onto a oil rig about an hour and a half out in the Gulf and that's when shit gets real. The boat is rocking on choppy waters non stop and the guys are catching fish left and right having a good time. I even caught a few fish and they were catching sharks and that's when out of no where the nausea hits and I look to my left as a sudden wave comes over me, my face turns green and I see them hook a shark my size and throw it on deck. Blood is spilling everywhere and I ultimately lose it and I lose it ALL. I run to the front of the boat (another bad move) cause it's super choppy and I blow chunks into the ocean, there goes the crab cake!
Well after that we started catching shitloads of fish, sharks, barracudas and blue fish. Apparently they like crab cakes.Yuck! The men on the boat felt sorry for me and kept bringing me sharks to pet and there was a sucker fish which when touched stuck to your hand (so cool). Haha but seriously it was greatness and with that being said I will NEVER do that again.The drive back to the hotel I was famished and we grabbed a bite to eat and Whataburger never tasted so good. So all in all it was a memorable vacation if anything. I did enjoy the time I spent with my fiance and so we drove back home to get ready for our next big adventure...Lake Tyler. Tune in next week for that story.
Today I went deep-sea fishing with my fiancé. I thought it would be nice to do something with him that he enjoys. I however did not know that I apparently I was going to create memories that would last a lifetime more than I knew. I do not have see legs nor will I ever I’m pretty much a land loving girl.I have anxiety to top it off , but wanted to make my fiancé happy so I sucked it up, only to throw it up later.
It all started out when we got on the boat this afternoon in full sun I being of Irish Polish dissent was already doomed to burn like a piece of bacon lying in a pan. However I sprayed on my SPF 70 and just muddle through it all. I put on my happy face because I love him even though I was terrified to get on this boat and go out into the middle of the ocean, by the way did I mention I’m afraid of water.
It didn’t start out so bad took us about an hour to get out into the ocean where all the sharks were at. I popped a Xanax to calm my nerves as well as several Dramamine. We then tied off to a rig where we begin to move side to side and up-and-down and the next thing you know I was up chucking my lunch overboard. I knew I shouldn’t have had those damn crab cakes, well...at least he had a burial at sea.
Anyway, so we were out there fishing for sharks and I’m dying 😵 all the while everybody else is okay. It was embarrassing to say the least. I’m definitely not doing it again. I would like to quote Meatloaf and say “I would do anything for love ,but I won’t do that..no I won’t do that.
Charming title isn't it? I mean do I know how to entertain or what? It's a daily battle for me, the stress of my life, work and school, but I manage somehow. Recently I started college; Oh, how I love that word. You know for the first time in my life I feel smart? Crazy I guess, but true and just saying that word (college) sounds so awesome. For the first time in my life and I am doing something for me and it feels fabulous! However it is also the cause for anxiety and such, you see I work a full-time job and go to school and try and put my kid through college as well. A lot to take on for a single mom my age, by the way that is 41. : ) With all this going on it seems I have built up some stress and s the doctor said I need to relax and he gave me some meds and told me too chill. He may or may not have also said that my blood pressure was a bit high and my cholesterol is not that great either. What? I said I was 41 and it's partly hereditary so. : p
So anyway here I sit on my couch surrounded by Kleenex and empty cups and scattered papers, drinking a glass of wine and it's only day 2 of Spring break and I find myself wanting to clean! Yep, that's me ...no rest for the wicked. I compulsively stare around at my surroundings and silently cringe. I talk to myself and say "Shut up Michele and drink another glass of damn wine." So I do..and sit and stare at the table that needs cleaning, ask myself when was I going to get to cleaning the kitchen and fridge out? Telling myself I need to get up and do something instead of nothing because I feel guilty and lazy. You know what? That's okay , cause really I am lazy today and there's nothing wrong with that.
Sometimes we don't let ourselves relax and that's silly. We tell ourselves " Well, my house is a mess, yeah; well...by who's standards? Who cares?! No one does. Say it again to yourself NO ONE DOES! It's true and it's fine, we need to quit talking ourselves out of life and start enjoying it a little. Because before you know it POOF! It's gone.So do your self a favor today, pour yourself a drink, plop that ass in front of the t.v. or read a book and
Recently my fiance and I have taken up bike riding, we have actually been doing this for the past few months and we love it. I love it even though he passes me up and rides ahead because I have short legs and well lets face it "short people have no reason to live" LOL that's a song by the way before you get your panties in a bunch. Anyway where I was going with this is while he zooms ahead of me I just chill and take it all in, the smells ,the scenery and the people I encounter. I absolutely love it all, I feel free and at peace like I never have before.
This weekend we toured the Trinity and rode about 15 miles. It wasn't a lot but it was fun, we stopped along at The Trailhead Farmers Market that cyclists can access from the trail and purchased fresh local honey, fresh squash and other wares. While I was riding I saw people from all walks of life. There were children with their moms running around, handicapped people playing sports, there were old couples, hippies, asian, germans, so much diversity. We need to stop squabbling amongst ourselves and celebrate each others cultures, strengths etc,,,,It's refreshing to get outside of that little square box we put ourselves in inadvertantly.
That brings me to this , we need to get out and experience life, it is not going to find you while you sit behind the T.V staring blankly watching the latest Housewives of whatever reality T.V. show is on, because the reality is right outside your door. You just have to open it and step out ,breathe the air and move forward. Trust me you will be so glad you did, because life is not about the destination, but how you get there that defines you. Enjoy your life.....
You ever go on a date and be like..OMG he's so boring and he smells funny and he's old ,BUT AFTER A FEW DRINKS HE STARTS TO SEEM BETTER? Well that's what it's like sometimes to rent a car. I found myself in a car I was grateful to have after all the trouble I went through to obtain it ...here it comes....BUUUUUTTT it was fucking gross. The car smelled like old people ate fried chicken and smoked in it and sprayed old people smell in it. You know that smell you caught a whiff of at grandpas and grandmas, the fine line between decaying flesh and I drowned myself in parfume? Yeah that smell, that's what it is like or old scrotum I can't decide yet
.
LOL Anyway I am driving home after a long island iced tea...NOT DRUNK MIND YOU and I start looking the car over at the light thinking. "This isn't so bad, it only shakes like Michael J Fox when I get over 60mph, it will help me not speed. The smell isn't that bad either I suppose if you happened to missionary in a third world country. Those little buzzed pep talks you have with your self after a few drinks to try and talk your self into a relationship, like yeah he's better looking after a few. Yeah I totally felt myself identifying with it and then I knew that ....I needed to drink water! LMAO😁 I really am grateful for the rental car,but I can't wait to get mine back from the shop. I just felt I had to share with someone because we all have been there at one time or another.
You know what's awesome about being alone? You can run around in your house naked! Yes I said it and you can cook, clean and even type a blog naked. It's liberating and I love it although there is a downside to it and that is.....choking. I mean what are you going to do if you choke to death? Who's going to help you? As I was standing in my kitchen and eating a piece of ham like a starving fighter dog I almost choked. It was scary and my last thoughts as I looked around the kitchen was FUCK THESE ANIMALS ARE GONNA EAT MY DEAD BODY. I have 2 cats 2 dogs and 1 kitten. Now that kitten isn't going to get much but I'll tell you that my dog Buster can probably consume a leg at the very least. He's a fat ass, so with that being said I am going to provide a link to the self Heimlich maneuver so that you too are not faced with this dilemma of your cats eating your naked carcass one day. Your Welcome, also I wouldn't recommend eating noodles naked cause of the splash back effect or cooking with oils for that matter either cause that's a terrible burn.Unless you're into that sort of thing? To each is own eh?
Tonight I sit here outside my home in the dark drinking and smoking and staring out into the cloud covered sky. It's fixing to storm here and the clouds are starting to cover the stars and the lightning is breathtaking. I sit and I stare at the clouds taking shape as they did when I was a child and I can make forms out of them and then I think to myself I am 40 now and my kid goes off to college this fall, I am not a child anymore but far from it. I stare at the house and the light from her window and realize that soon that room will be dark and I have an overwhelming emptiness come over me. I then realize she is what has kept me grounded, sane and at times still on this earth. Without her I have no purpose I'm afraid, I mean what do I live for now? What do I do with my life? I can do anything now I guess and the reality of that scares me, because all this time I have lived my life for her and now I get to live it for me and I'm not entirely certain how to do that.
Thoughts run through my head like ..will she miss me, what will become of me, will I have enough money to retire, where will I live, how often will I see her etc????So many unanswered questions and so many possibilities and now I can feel the panic come on. It settles in my chest like an elephant sitting on me, I'm having a panic attack. Damn it not another one , that's 3 this month, this is silly. So this is 40? I am divorced for a second time in my life, I have had so many struggles, lost my tubes at 36 and can;t have more children, I let my home go to someone who didn't deserve it,I quit a job, lost another one, found the love of my life and now find myself somewhere in the middle of happy ,sad and empty all at the same time. SO..THIS...IS..40 I say again to myself. Wow ,what a fucking roller coaster, I never thought I'd make it to forty but here I am.
I write this for those of you out there going through the same thing right now. I know we are not alone and there are several of us I'm certain. This is our time to start fresh, rebuild our lives and possibly make them into what we always wanted. Now we live for ourselves and every time you look into that empty room where our babies used to be remember that another mother is out there doing the same thing and take a deep breath cause WE GOT THIS LADIES. So I leave you with this song
So I 'd like to say today just blows! It started off we me dropping a knife on my foot ..yay. Not too much damage thank he Lord. Then I come home to my A.C. broke and not cooling all while the 12 cases of wine we have are sitting in the bedroom at 80 degrees in a Texas summer. FML Then while my boyfriend is out of town and I'm stuck to deal with the mess of this a.c. business the cat Frank aka asshole decides to puke up the tuna I gave him all over the carpet in the hallway.Although I did not discover this at first as I look closer as he swats at it and that's when I realize it's puke on the floor and he's playing with it like some kind of Slingblade character. Then here's the kicker...going through menopause and then suddenly my body says..fuck you today and I cramp violently until I want to roll over and die but still nothing happens. So in short I;m going to get drunk, FUCK THIS DAY (drops mike walks away)
For any of you who know me, know that I am a florist and in being so I participate actively in Mother's Day as do many around the world. It is if you will our "bread and butter" and essentially gets us through the year just like Valentine's but only more so as everyone loves their mothers but not their wives. 😆
(Ahem) Well then, are you familiar with the start of Mother's Day and where it originated from? It all started with a girl named Anna and her immense love for her mother who was a civil war caregiver. You see Anna Jarvis daughter of Ann Reeves Jarvis a peace activist who died in 1905 held a service for her mother in honor of her the year she died at their church because she wanted to honor her and continue her efforts and then pursued it as a national holiday with the U.S government and supreme courts although it was rejected. It wasn't until 1914 that President Woodrow Wilson made it a national holiday and from there the idea seemed to take off all over the world although it was called by different names and dates everywhere but the concept remained the same.
That is until Hallmark commercialized it like the Satanic company they are and started to profit from it and soon all companies were on the band wagon including florists...yes me as well, to make this a selling point and alas the concept of the holiday was lost on generations. Anna even protested it on several occasions stating that the holiday was to recognize mothers with meaningful things like hand written letters and such not pre packed and produced meaningless dribble. Unfortunately she lost that battle and now we have companies all over the world shoving their products down our throats and that has become a norm for society.
We forgot what it means to be a mom and what it means to be a child and to look up to mom and respect her and all that she has done for us. All those days and nights she worked, helped us with school work, cleaned, made lunches, broke her back and scraped and saved to do all she could to help us succeed. These days all we see on social media is kids being disrespectful to their parents and that is just intolerable. You see the little kid saying" Linda, Linda, listen..) and the (cash me outside how bow dat) stupid child who gets her own show when she just needs her ass whipped. All because we entertain this behavior as if it's comical when in reality it's sad. I do not watch anything that promoted stupidity by the way.
Parenting has gone out the window and so did our family values. It saddens me so. I would like you to do me a favor and I'm as guilty as you are of this but instead of buying her a card this year , take 5 minutes to write all the great things she has done for you that come to mind and thank her for it. Trust me as a mom we appreciate it,also take time to do nice things for her and father more than one day a year. God Bless and have a wonderful Mother's Day.
So Nordstrom has new jeans that are supposedly the hip new thing in fashion. One of which is the clear knee mom jean . No shit it's a jean that looks as they put it"futuristic" as I put it "stupid". So people are writing hilarious reviews about this jean including yours truly. My review goes something like this ( I feel like a futuristic Judy Jetson , i feel like Lady Gaga , I feel like......I...feel....pretty oh so pretty and witty and bright and I pity the girl who isn't me tonight!) although they probably won't publish it since they have been deleting several. I however thought it was funny and if you get a chance google "funny reviews left about clear knee mom jeans ".
The other jean they released is the Barracuda straight leg Jeans that are literally covered in mud and they are charging 425.00 for them. You too can own a pair of jeans with artificial mud on them and look like you've done a hard days work when in reality the people who produce them work harder than you. I also had to leave a review on that as well. Mike Rowe of the t.v. show Dirty Jobs also had something to say about it on Facebook, read what he says about them here. In fact people are taking to social media everywhere to chastise Nordstrom for their ballsy ad on their site. especially when they say it personifies the Americana look but was made overseas.
Honestly fashion these days has become increasingly stupid and the fact that the millennial generation seems to be accepting this trend just further proves to me that our society is doomed. Kylie Jenner and her Pepsi commercial is just another sad example of that. The younger generation seems to not understand how life works. God help us all
Recently something happened in my life that has rearranged my plans for the future once again. This seems to be the going theme of my life lately. The last 2 years have been a whirlwind and I for the most part have taken it all in stride, but it's catching up to me now. I don't know what to do now, I feel lost and sad and like I'm drowning. I feel I have no one to talk to even though I'm surrounded by people who love me. Someone told me it's just a bump in the road. Well that's my entire life...one...big..bump. I just need a break, I'm tired of life and of getting the raw end of the deal. I need for something to go right and to fit in, I 'm tired of feeling out of place. I just want it to end sometimes. I always put others before me but for once I would like to be selfish. I know my life isn't horrible but it feels so alone sometimes, so meaningless. Please God help me through this and make me whole again.
This weekend my kid and I drove down to Sam Houston State where she's been accepted so we could tour the campus. It was a proud and scary and sad day, there were so many emotions. I was standing on the campus listening to them give the tour and I zoned out thinking my baby was just learning to walk yesterday and today she's almost a college alumni. It really blew my mind how fast everything has happened. I mean 4 years ago I was taking her to get her braces checked.
It is a really beautiful campus and I am so happy she's going to attend it. She is majoring in law and minoring in photo journalism. Sam Houston is 3rd in the country for their law programs and I believe she will do well here, so don't be surprised if you see me posting a lot of Sam Houston pride this fall on Instagram because this is my life now and hopefully I won't take it too hard when she leaves me.
It's that time of year when girls obsess over dresses and jewelry and details about ...you guessed it prom! I'm already a wreck thinking about it and it's not even my prom! I am delegating more now though and making her pick up her dress and take it to the tailor herself to get hemmed. It's costing me a small fortune and I clearly see why I never went to prom, in short it's stupid. It's a memory yes but really do we need to spend a thousand dollars on it or more?
Some people go as far to rent limos, hotels, and DJ'S all in the name of graduation. I believe that kids and parents spend more on this night than a college graduation and for what? So you graduated, good for you, now the real work begins. Wait till you get to college or have to join the workforce and try and succeed, now that's when you need to celebrate. High school is small potatoes baby, you just wait and see. You'll eventually long for the days of high school when you're slaving over a pile of papers at your desk, staying up till 1 am to finish work or school projects. Life is going to get exponentially more difficult kids so buckle up.
Really though I am proud of my child for graduating ,but it sure as hell isn't cheap. No wonder I have anxiety, the things I am dealing with at the moment may be superficial or small but still stress me out. Examples are I have to make sure she gets her dress altered , pay for the altering, send out graduation announcements,don't forget to order yearbook,graduation photos, take her on a tour of her college campus, talk to financial aid, line all my ducks in a row...omg I need a drink thinking about this.
All in all it's a mess and I haven't even got to the corsages yet.....
So....apparently in Australia in the rugged terrain of the Outback there's a lot more going on than just maintaining the law and chasing kangaroos. Yes, it has come to my attention that in St Glebe, Australia the police in their spare time like to take hot showers and whack each other in the testicles to "relax".
Yes, that's correct I said whack or better known as what they call a ...wait for it...."sack whack".
In court the other day the judge found police officer Paul Michael Vella not guilty of what his co worker claims. His fellow police officer brother says that he was "sack whacked" over 50 times in their career together thus causing his testes to become inflamed and eventually removed. Senior Constable Gary Stoddard is suing Vella for damaging his testes after over a course of years having several what they call "pranks" involving slapping one another's testes. Now I don't know about you but I'm a 40 year old woman and when I'm at work or the gym I don't go around slapping anyone's anything.It seems really weird to me that grown men do this still and just further proves to me that men are playing with their privates as soon as they leave the womb and really never stop.
"Police have got a very stressful job and they play practical jokes on each other from time to time," Mr Eid said. For your entertainment pleasure I have provided a link to the article. Enjoy! Sack Whack gone Wrong
